Oh wait, I have a bachelorette party to go to, fail. It all started at Ruby Tequilas with two peer-pressured Dos Ritas - never starting my Friday with my roommate again (jk <3 you!). Just when the tequila started to kick in the waiter/bartender guy started getting friendly. He felt bad when he realized he hadn't shown us how to properly drink the Dos Rita. He told us that once the level of the drink starts dropping, you have to lift the upside-down Dos Equis bottle to just the tip to keep the drink going. I am not kidding you.
It wasn't until we left our second destination that I realized I had exchanged numbers with the hunky, possibly Hispanic (if he were Indian he'd have a chance), much shorter, much older, perverted waiter/bartender guy. A much deserved slap to the forehead came when I received a text saying, "wut r u doin l8r 2nite" with no question mark. I exaggerate a little, I don't know what exactly he said because I deleted the text immediately.
So let's move on to what happened in between Ruby Tequilas and the exodus from destination #2
The Case of the Small Man vs. HD
For some reason, men assume that I have not ever looked in a mirror or noticed that I am much taller than most of them. Or they think it's a good way to start conversation by pointing out that they will never be able to look me in the eye. Well, guess what fellas, I know I'm tall and you just killed any opportunity you had by talking about it.
Idiot #1 (I'll do my best to remember them all)
Enter Anvil, Idiot #1 sits at the bar with a woman that hopefully had no interest in a long-term relationship with this guy. I'm pretending not to notice his eyes looking up and down trying to accept the fact that my existence alone is emasculating when he says "Are you really tall or do you have heels on?" Guess what dumbf*ck, no amount of heel on a short person is going to make them 6'4 while still allowing them to walk and stand comfortably. I see that he is with a woman, I decide to be nice. I tell him I'm 6'4 with the shoes, 6'2 without. He's sincerely impressed, enough so that he congratulates my friends for knowing me when I've walked away.
Idiots # 2,3, and 4
We're still at Anvil. I look behind me to see a bunch of Asian fools trying to stand on their tippy-toes or jump to reach my height and gesturing with their arms and hands to estimate my height. They stare at me in awe when I tell them that I see them and certainly don't believe when I say I'm not going to hurt them.
Idiot #5
At the bar at Ei8ht. Some moron comes up to me, "You're fucking tall!" I say something equally offensive back and he assumes I'm being coy. He asks me what I'm doing, I tell him I'm waiting for my drink, he rambles on about how life is about giving and taking. He accuses me of being a taker, I tell him he's right and that I intend to take my drink as soon as someone pours it. He thinks I'm flirting, I keep giving him acrid (there's some other word I'm trying to think of) responses. I try to wave him off, he assumes I'm swatting at a bug. He finally realizes he's not getting anywhere and starts to walk off, but looks back hoping I'll beg him to return. Luckily when I wave him off this time he obeys and leaves me alone.
Idiot #6
I'm on the dance floor, dancing away to some great booty jams hoping to be left alone when yet another midget tries to inform me of my tallness which gets a quick response of "Fuck you." Of course the twerp feels bad and apologizes going on and on about how he didn't mean to offend me. I let it go, exchange names and find my way to the bar so I can drink away the anger, or bolster myself to punch the next clown.
I'm sure there were many idiots in between these and certainly some that followed. I really hope that I can get the message out that "Hey, you're tall!" is a terrible conversation starter. But really, it makes it a lot easier for me to weed out the morons when they say that, so maybe I should keep this secret to myself.
To my tall Indian prince out there, please come find me.
It wasn't until we left our second destination that I realized I had exchanged numbers with the hunky, possibly Hispanic (if he were Indian he'd have a chance), much shorter, much older, perverted waiter/bartender guy. A much deserved slap to the forehead came when I received a text saying, "wut r u doin l8r 2nite" with no question mark. I exaggerate a little, I don't know what exactly he said because I deleted the text immediately.
So let's move on to what happened in between Ruby Tequilas and the exodus from destination #2
The Case of the Small Man vs. HD
For some reason, men assume that I have not ever looked in a mirror or noticed that I am much taller than most of them. Or they think it's a good way to start conversation by pointing out that they will never be able to look me in the eye. Well, guess what fellas, I know I'm tall and you just killed any opportunity you had by talking about it.
Idiot #1 (I'll do my best to remember them all)
Enter Anvil, Idiot #1 sits at the bar with a woman that hopefully had no interest in a long-term relationship with this guy. I'm pretending not to notice his eyes looking up and down trying to accept the fact that my existence alone is emasculating when he says "Are you really tall or do you have heels on?" Guess what dumbf*ck, no amount of heel on a short person is going to make them 6'4 while still allowing them to walk and stand comfortably. I see that he is with a woman, I decide to be nice. I tell him I'm 6'4 with the shoes, 6'2 without. He's sincerely impressed, enough so that he congratulates my friends for knowing me when I've walked away.
Idiots # 2,3, and 4
We're still at Anvil. I look behind me to see a bunch of Asian fools trying to stand on their tippy-toes or jump to reach my height and gesturing with their arms and hands to estimate my height. They stare at me in awe when I tell them that I see them and certainly don't believe when I say I'm not going to hurt them.
Idiot #5
At the bar at Ei8ht. Some moron comes up to me, "You're fucking tall!" I say something equally offensive back and he assumes I'm being coy. He asks me what I'm doing, I tell him I'm waiting for my drink, he rambles on about how life is about giving and taking. He accuses me of being a taker, I tell him he's right and that I intend to take my drink as soon as someone pours it. He thinks I'm flirting, I keep giving him acrid (there's some other word I'm trying to think of) responses. I try to wave him off, he assumes I'm swatting at a bug. He finally realizes he's not getting anywhere and starts to walk off, but looks back hoping I'll beg him to return. Luckily when I wave him off this time he obeys and leaves me alone.
Idiot #6
I'm on the dance floor, dancing away to some great booty jams hoping to be left alone when yet another midget tries to inform me of my tallness which gets a quick response of "Fuck you." Of course the twerp feels bad and apologizes going on and on about how he didn't mean to offend me. I let it go, exchange names and find my way to the bar so I can drink away the anger, or bolster myself to punch the next clown.
I'm sure there were many idiots in between these and certainly some that followed. I really hope that I can get the message out that "Hey, you're tall!" is a terrible conversation starter. But really, it makes it a lot easier for me to weed out the morons when they say that, so maybe I should keep this secret to myself.
To my tall Indian prince out there, please come find me.
or maybe you should go Persian... have you seen their height ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd tan too... hmmmmm
ReplyDelete